


A Little Braver

by stuckysoul



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Cute, Family, First Meetings, Fluff, Happy, M/M, Nervousness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Real Life, Teamwork, background relationships will probably happen at some point, but its fluffy because its changlix, felix POV, its angsty because its a survival show, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-03-11 04:28:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13516590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckysoul/pseuds/stuckysoul
Summary: Felix has just moved from Australia-literally, his plane just landed. He's pretty nervous, with his minimal ability in speaking Korean and his complete lack of information on what is going on. But he's excited, and he's ready to start his life as a JYP trainee.And there is one talented rapper who catches Felix's eye, and apparently will be the one showing him the ropes.





	1. Chapter 1

Felix was excited, but he was so, so terrified. He stared directly down at his feet as he shuffled them around in the elevator. The company had picked him up from the airport, given him a brief summary of what was happening, then dropped him off at the dorms with nothing but a room number and his suitcase. As the elevator rose, he continuously checked the paper to make sure he was reading the korean right.

 

_RM 600_

 

That’s all he got. RM 600. He shoved the piece of paper into his pocket when he realized he was trembling. The elevator dinged, finally reaching the 6th floor, and Felix stepped out. He took a few deep breaths, staring at the door directly in front of him. He didn’t want to stall any longer, (he was nervous enough already) so he brought his fist up and knocked sharply three times. As he waited for someone to come to the door, he quickly mumbled his introduction that he had memorized, determined to get it right.

 

The door opened widely as he was in the middle of repeating it a second time and he stopped instantly. He bowed deeply and recited his introduction loudly and clearly.

 

“Hello! My name is Felix, very kind to meet you!” he swung his body back up and got his first look of his new roommate. He was average height with bright eyes and a kind face. Felix’s eyes went straight to his head, where he had shiny silver hair that looked like it was softer than anything Felix had ever felt. The boy gave him a warm smile.

 

“Hi, Felix! They told me you were coming, come on it!” he stepped to the side and opened the door up wider. “I’m Chan.”

 

Felix fumbled with his bag as he struggled to get it in through the door while simultaneously trying to bow again. “Hello, Chan.” He kept his response simple, worried that he would mess it up.

 

“Come on in here, I’ve gathered the others to meet you!” after closing the door, Chan gestured to an entrance that led into a living room. Two other boys sat on the couch, and as Felix entered one of them flashed him a huge brace-filled smile.

 

“Hi! I’m so excited to meet you! I’ve been dying for a new roommate! I’m sure we’ll be great friends!” the boy shouted out his words quickly, and Felix desperately tried to translate along with him. Realizing he had missed at least half of what the boy said, he nervously bowed and repeated his memorized introduction.

 

The boys on the couch bowed their heads in response. The small, fast speaking boy spoke up first.

 

“I’m Jeongin!” he said giddly.

 

“And I’m Jisung.” he gave Felix a happy smile. Chan came up from behind Felix and turned to him with a quizzical look on his face.

 

“You said it was Felix, right?” Felix nodded rapidly in response to the question. “So, not from around here, I assume?”

 

Felix cleared his throat and spoke slowly, making sure he used proper grammar. “No, I am from Australia. I landed in Korea for the first time just today. I do not know Korean very well.”

 

Chan’s face lit up, and he suddenly began speaking in english. “Really? I’m from Australia too!”

 

Felix felt all of his nerves rush down and out of his body, leaving his toes tingling. He switched to english too, almost wanting to cry from joy. “Oh my God, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that!” he laughed out loud with relief as Chan slapped him on the shoulder. They both looked over to the two boys on the couch, confused and looking at Chan and Felix like they were aliens. Chan switched back over to korean to explain it to them.

 

“You guys better not talk about us behind our backs in english.” Jisung said to the news with a jokingly suspicious squint. Jeongin just laughed again, and Felix couldn’t help but notice how this kid just never stopped smiling. Chan smiled and turned back to Felix, staying in Korean.

 

“I’ll be here to help you, but it’s important you stick with Korean as much as possible. I’ve been here for six years now, and it can be rough switching languages in the beginning. Practice is the key. Did you get all that?” Chan asked kindly, making sure that Felix was following him. Felix bit his lip and tried to catch up with Chan’s words quickly. He knew most of them, and the ones he didn’t know he placed with context. He slowly nodded his head, before speeding it up and responding with a quick but firm “yes” in korean. The nerves crept back in as he realized how much he had to learn, but he stamped them down.

 

Chan smiled wide again and clapped his hands together, turning to face everyone. “Ok, let’s move Felix in before we head to practice!” At hearing this, Jeongin’s arm shot into the air.

 

“Oh! Room with me, room with me!!” he sounded so excited, Felix couldn’t help but chuckle. Chan laughed too, but he shook his head.

 

“No, Jeongin, you’re in the smaller room. We don’t need to move around three people unnecessarily. He’ll room with Jisung, in the larger room.”

 

Jisung stood up, teasing Jeongin with a goofy grin. “Ha HA!” he stuck his tongue out and waggled it at him. Jeongin kicked at him, but Jisung jumped quickly out of the small boy’s range. He giggled once more before turning to Felix and changing his tone.

 

“Hey, we should probably figure out honorifics before we go moving you in. How old are you, Felix?”

 

“Er-my birthday is September 15, 2000.”

 

Jisung’s jaw dropped. “Mine is September 14, 2000! We’re almost on the same day!”

 

Felix grinned. “Nice!”

 

“Anyways, so that makes Chan-hyung your only hyung here. I’m only older than a day, you don’t need to bother. And Jeongin is still the youngest! He’s only sixteen.”

 

Jeongin didn’t seem bothered by this fact in the slightest. “I’m so excited to have another hyung!” he clapped his hands together like he was just given the best new present in the world.

 

Jisung tapped Felix on the shoulder and nodded his head towards the back. “This way, we have the biggest room so you can pick any bed you want.”

 

“Thank you, that’s very kind.” Felix followed him while trying to bow again, working on getting it into his habit. Jisung opened a door that led into a room about the same size as the living room, but filled with bunk beds. “I have this one over here, so all the rest are up for grabs!”

 

Felix chose a lower bunk quickly, not wanting to take too much time. He quickly opened up his suitcase and pulled out some practice clothes. “Chan--er--Chan-hyung said we were going to practice, right?” he asked Jisung. Jisung bounced onto his bed and nodded.

 

“Yeah, so changing into some dance clothes would be a good idea.” Jisung bounced right back up as he realized his response. “Actually, I need to change too.” He walked over to a wall with several long clothing racks on it and pulled down a few things. He immediately began changing, obviously completely comfortable with changing in front of his new roommate. Felix turned around and quickly did they same before they went to join the others.

 

As they stepped back into the living room, they noticed that Chan and Jeongin had changed as well. “Ok, you guys ready to head over?” Chan asked.

 

Felix nodded along with the others. They followed Chan all the way outside where (somehow) a car was waiting for them. They climbed in, and Chan turned to Felix to explain.

 

“So, we are all part of a group of trainees. I’ve put together some people, and after I see what you do, you might be joining us! We are hoping to convince the company to let us debut together, but self-made groups are pretty rare, so we aren’t expecting much. But we’ll go ahead and introduce you to the group and you can start practicing with us today. What did you get into JYP with?”

 

Felix rushed to translate, then responded quickly. “Ah! Er-my dance. I passed with my dance. They said that they want me to rap too, though, because my voice is deep.”

Chan nodded and licked his lips, obviously in thought. “Alright, so today we are going to start you out with training with Changbin after the dance practice. He’ll show you some ropes, and get you a rap verse to practice for our showcase that is coming up,” at hearing this Jisung spoke up and began loudly declaring that he was a rapper too-where was his recognition!-before Chan just rolled his eyes and cut him off. “Yes, Jisung, I am quite aware that you are also a rapper. But Changbin wrote the raps for the showcase, so he’s the best person to assign one of them to Felix. Besides, don’t you have plans to write the rap for our new 3RACHA track this afternoon?” Jisung grumbled dramatically and exaggerated a pout, mumbling something about “deserving more respect as a rapper around here”.

 

Felix turned to look out the window, taking in the beautiful sights of Korea. He loved it so much here already, and he couldn’t wait to see everything. It was a very short ride to their practice studio though, so before he knew it they were climbing back out into the hot summer air. He lagged slightly behind, following the others and memorizing the way up. Another quick elevator ride, and Chan announced that this was their floor. To the right was the recording studios, and to the left was the practice rooms, he explained. Felix followed them to a door on the very far left, and he could hear loud music already playing inside. Chan opened the door and they all strode in.

 

Felix stood off to the side, in awe of the man who was in the midst of practicing. He held a mic between his hands, eyes scrunched tightly closed in concentration. He was spitting out one of the fastest raps Felix had ever seen in person. He suddenly opened his eyes, and Felix thought he would stop once he noticed them, but he just pulled his hat tighter onto his head and jumped into the second verse. His flow was so perfect, his movements syncing beautifully with the harsh beat. He took one final breath, delivered one final line, and ended it with a guttural “YAH” from the back of his throat. Chan and the others started clapping, and it took Felix a moment that he should probably join in rather than just standing there with his dropped jaw.

 

“Hey, Changbin! Nice practice!” Chan said to the new boy. Felix felt his heart rate increase. This was the one who was going to be teaching him to rap?

 

Changbin walked over to where his phone sat and he turned off the music. He picked up a water bottle and walked over to join them, looking at Felix with a bored expression. Felix noticed how cute his small eyes were in proportion to his thin, pointed face. He had a black cap on, shadowing his features and making him look that much more intimidating. He stopped directly in front of Felix and took a huge swig of his water. He raised a single brow, letting that show his question without any words.

 

“Oh! Ah, er,” Felix snapped to attention and realized he hadn’t said anything yet. He bowed deeply and repeated his memorized phrase for the third time that day. Changbin gave a low grunt in response before swallowing his water. He gave a half-hearted bow and a mumbled reply.

 

“Changbin.” He gave Felix a quick look up and down before adding, “Hyung, probably.”

 

“Er-” Felix glanced over at the others, and Chan nodded.

 

“Yeah, Changbin, he’s Jisung’s age.” Chan provided the answer. Changbin nodded slowly, gave one last interesting look towards Felix, then went back over to pick up his phone.

 

“The others are here, but they went to eat since you were late. Just downstairs.” Changbin directed his information towards Chan. Chan nodded his thanks and left the room to assemble his team. Jisung and Jeongin got to work warming up and stretching out, so Felix awkwardly followed suit. Changbin sat off to the side and watched them, that same bored expression still plastered on his face. Felix found himself frustrated with how hard he was to read. Every time he glanced up, Changbin was looking at him, but his face never changed. Felix tried to shake it off and not let himself get put off balance this easily by a new teammate. He went down into the splits, pushing himself to the point of stretching but not enough to hurt himself. Dancing was the one thing he was really confident in, so it would be nice to get his nerves out with some practice.

 

Chan suddenly burst back into the room, three more boys in tow behind him. “Alright, quick introductions before we get started! Felix?”  Felix jumped up and bowed to the boys. He was glad that he took the time to memorize his introduction, thinking about how many times he’s had to say it already. They all bowed back, and went down the line introducing themselves as well.

 

“Woojin!” a boy with a square jaw and blonde hair greeted Felix with a wave.

 

“Seungmin, hi!” the next boy with shaggy brown hair replied with a smile.

 

“Hyunjin,” the last boy said. “Nice to meet you too, Felix!”

 

Chan walked to the front of the room, working on getting his phone connected for the music while he addressed the group. “Just so you all know, Felix just moved here from Australia. He’s super new at Korean, so let’s all help him out on learning it quickly!”

 

Felix blushed slightly, but was grateful Chan pointed it out before Felix made a mistake and embarrassed himself. Hyunjin’s face lit up at the news.

 

“We have not one, but two aussies in the group? What are the odds of that!” he laughed and slapped Felix on the arm. “So, how many kangaroos do you have?”

 

Hyunjin snickered as Chan began loudly arguing over his shoulder, obviously playing off an inside joke of theirs. “I’m just kidding matey, I know you don’t have kangaroos as pets. Ya have ‘em as cousins!”

 

Felix jumped back and watched, snorting with laughter, as Chan threw himself on Hyunjin from behind. As Chan pinned him down, demanding he take that back-- Felix decided he was going to like it here.

  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The showcase is happening, and this is their chance. 
> 
> Finally, they might get to debut!

Felix flopped to the ground, soaked in sweat and panting hard. He vaguely noticed a few others following him to the ground in equal exhaustion. It was sometime in the early morning, and they had just finished running their number for what must’ve been the thousandth time. They only had two days until the showcase, and Chan wasn’t letting up on them. 

 

“Come on guys,” Chan said between his heavy breaths. “I still didn’t feel great about that hard sequence in the second verse. A couple more times, we can do this.” 

 

Felix’s eyes were scrunched closed as he tried to find even a scrap of energy left in his tattered body. He opened his eyes and flinched in surprise, finding himself looking straight up into Changbin’s face. He could see Changbin was every bit as exhausted as he was, his eyes more tired than usual and his skin glistening in the same sweat that covered them all. Changbin held out his hand to Felix and straightened up. Felix gave a small grin and reached up to grab his hand, Changbin hoisting him up from the ground in one quick tug. Changbin was stronger than he looked.

 

Ever since Chan had found out that they were fighting for the chance to finally debut--and to debut  _ together _ \--he had tripled their practice time. He tried his best to not overwork the group, but anyone with two eyes could see how desperate he was for this opportunity. He had been a trainee for so long, and now finally being a given a chance? He wasn’t going to let this one slip away.

 

Felix grabbed the towel from around his neck and wiped his face off, heading back over to his starting position. Jeongin was still on the ground, and Felix nudged him with his toe. “Come on, buddy, we can do this. A couple more and then we can head home and sleep.”  

 

Jeongin moved his arm from covering his face and gave a huge smile. “Yah, Felix-hyung. We can do it.” he pulled himself up slowly, contradicting his huge smile with how sluggish his movements were. 

 

Chan quickly glanced around to make sure everyone was ready before he hit play on the song. Felix locked his arms with Woojin’s, waiting to get flipped over his back for the opening movement. He realized right as the song started that he probably should have drank some water before they ran it again, but suddenly he was upside down and he didn’t have time to dwell on it. He landed awkwardly, only just catching himself before he fell completely. He glanced up to see Changbin looking at him--was that concern on his face?--before they broke eye contact and Changbin jumped into his rap. Felix focused on his dancing, trying to make every move sharp and precise. It was somewhere around the second verse that he felt his vision start to tunnel. He shook his head, trying to shake it off, before he suddenly realized he was flat on his face on the ground.

 

He blinked slowly, trying to figure out what just happened. He heard shouts from around the room, but they sounded hazy and muffled. The music stopped abruptly, and he felt himself being turned around. Chan’s face was two inches from his own, and concern was plastered over his face.

 

“Oh my god, Felix, I am so sorry. Are you ok?” Chan was speaking in english, his voice laden with worry. 

 

Felix chuckled slightly and responded slowly in korean. “Hey, hyung, I thought you said we were sticking with Korean.” He heard Chan give a small sigh of relief at Felix joking, but stayed in english as he helped Felix to sit up. 

 

“You really scared us there, man. Are you sure you’re ok?” Felix felt someone shove a water bottle into his hand. Then, when he looked at it with dazed confusion, a hand appeared and unscrewed the cap. “Drink.” he heard someone mutter. Felix finally registered what to do, and brought the water up to his lips. As soon as the first drop hit his tongue, he chugged the whole bottle. 

 

“I’m sorry for scaring you guys,” Felix said as he finished swallowing the water down. “Just got dehydrated, I guess.” 

 

Chan rubbed his brow and looked he wanted to slap himself. He switched back to Korean, trying to bring down the stress in the room.

 

“I’m so sorry, Felix, I pushed us too hard. We’ve run this routine enough for the night. Let’s go home.”

 

Felix looked up at Chan, shaking his head, not wanting to be the one holding them back. “No, no, it’s ok Chan-hyung, I got some water. I’m ok now.” He went to stand up, but found himself too dizzy to do so without nearly collapsing back down. He blinked rapidly, trying to regain his balance while leaning heavily on whoever caught him.

 

“Absolutely not.” Chan said firmly. “We are going back to the dorms right now. Guys, you all good to get home?” he addressed the rest of the group, who all mumbled their replies. They all gave Felix a quick group hug, giving words of encouragement and wellness as they left.

 

Felix realized he was still leaning up against someone, and he finally turned to look. Changbin looked back, one arm around Felix’s waist and the other on his shoulder to best support his weight.

 

“Oh-uh, thanks--thank you, hyung.” Felix said a little awkwardly. Changbin gave a small nod before letting Felix take back some of his own weight. 

 

“You good?” he asked in his quiet voice. Felix nodded and swallowed loudly. 

 

“Yeah, yeah I got it from here.” he stood up straight, feeling the dizziness already fading away. Changbin gave him one long, hard look, before removing his hands entirely and heading towards the door. He snatched up his hat from where it lay in the corner, abandoned sometime earlier in the night. He shoved it on his head and walked out the door backwards, keeping eye contact with Felix until he rounded the corner and was gone. 

 

“Let’s go, Felix, lean on me. The car’s waiting.” Chan shoved his phone in his pocket and went to put his arm around Felix. Felix snapped out of his daze and gratefully wrapped his arm over Chan as well. He really was  _ exhausted _ . 

 

_____

 

When he woke up the next morning, the sun was bright and warm as it lit up the room through the dingy blinds. He could tell before he even looked at his phone that Chan had let them sleep in. He sat up quickly, anxious to get back to practice. He already made them wrap up early last night, he didn’t also want to be the cause of them starting late. Their new member, Minho, still had an entire section to learn before their showcase tomorrow.

 

He rushed out of the room, still in the middle of pulling on a fresh practice shirt, to find Chan sitting on the couch working quietly on a new track. As soon as he saw Felix, he snapped his laptop closed and jumped up.

 

“Hey, man, how are you feeling?” he looked at Felix as if he were a worried mother.

 

“I’m fine Chan-hyung, you really didn’t have to let me sleep in so late. We need the practice time. Are we ready to head over? I saw Jisung wasn’t in bed.” Felix looked around as he responded, trying to figure out where everyone was. 

 

Chan awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.”Well--actually--him and the others went over a few hours ago to work on helping Minho out with the ending of the routine.”

 

“What?! Chan-hyung, why did you let me sleep? It was one little dizzy spell, I’m fine-”

 

Chan grabbed his shoulders and cut him off with a shake. “No, Felix!” he closed his eyes and took a slow breath before starting again, quieter this time. “No. You don’t understand how much you scared us all, collapsing like that. I’ve been selfish, and I’ve been pushing us too hard. I’m the leader, I should have noticed you were out of it and never started that last run through. I--I’m really so sorry, Felix.”

 

Felix looked at Chan in front of him, seeing how his shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed low. Felix spoke gently, suddenly aware of how much Chan was blaming himself.

 

“Hey, hyung--I’m not mad, you know that right? You don’t need to apologize for this, it wasn’t your fault. At all. I’m fine, really.”

 

Chan looked up with a tight grin on his face and mumbled a thank you, but Felix could tell Chan didn’t believe a word of it. Before he could push it any further, though, Chan broke their contact and turned around to grab his laptop.

 

“You ready to get over to the practice center?”

 

Felix nodded with strong determination. “More than ready. Let’s do this.”

 

_____

 

They tried to all get a good night’s rest, they really did. They didn’t practice past midnight, and Chan had made sure they drank a  _ lot  _ of water. But now, it was showcase day, and no one had slept a wink.

 

Minho had picked up his weight of the team astoundingly well. He learned the last leg of the dance in a single hour with Hyunjin helping him, and he had his lyrics down even better than Felix had his own. Felix was already growing fond of their last minute team member, even though he was more quiet than the rest of the boys. 

 

Felix and Jisung got dressed in their planned outfits silently, the tension in the air thick and tangible. They stepped out from the room together and saw Jeongin sitting on the couch, staring at the floor with an intense seriousness in his eyes. Felix sat down beside him and slung his arm over the boys shoulder, needing his happy smile in this stressful morning.

 

“Hey, Jeonginie, how ya doing?” Felix said with a little grin.

 

Jeongin blinked rapidly and shook his head, snapping out of his daze. He looked up to Felix and gave him that huge, beautiful, shining smile that Felix had come to depend on. 

 

“Ready to go!” Jeongin suddenly was filled with life, and Felix could never tell how he managed to pull such an energetic personality out of nowhere. “How about you, Felix-hyung? Are you excited?”

 

Felix felt his smile grow to match Jeongin’s and he reached up and ruffled his dongsaeng’s hair. “Yeah. Yeah, buddy, I’m excited!”

 

Only once he said it did he realize it was true. Yeah, he was nervous, of course he was nervous. But they’d been working hard, and today was their chance to actually  _ perform  _ for the first time. He was finally going to get to stand in front of a crowd, hear their applause, feel the energy of everyone looking up at him. He could remember how much he loved the rush of adrenaline as he went on stage to perform for dance, and now he was going to get that chance again. But this time, he was alongside his team members, and he was getting the chance to become something so much more than just dancer Felix.

 

Chan walked in from the kitchen, munching on a piece of toast. “Good morning guys, I made a whole bunch of toast since that’s all we had.” He sat himself beside Jeongin on the couch and took another small bite. Jisung disappeared into the kitchen to grab some for himself.

 

Felix smiled at Chan. He could see the nervousness in him; he could see it in the way he held his body, the tightness of his brow, the tension in his shoulders as he sat perfectly upright on the couch. But Chan smiled back, and Felix could still see the light in his eyes. Chan was a natural performer, and Felix knew the fans would love him on the stage. 

 

Felix jumped up, not able to take sitting down on his nerves anymore. He clapped his hands together and swiveled around to look back down at Chan.

 

“Ok, leader-hyung, what’s the morning itinerary?” he said lightly, trying to bring up the mood.

 

Chan looked grateful for the distraction. “Good you asked. First, we’re picking up the rest of the guys at the practice center, they’ll be meeting us there. We’ll head across town to the stage and run dress rehearsals all morning. This’ll be our first chance to get a good look at the girls number, and vice versa. So be prepared for them to be out in the audience watching us, because they definitely will be. Once the dress rehearsals are done, we’ll be spending the rest of our time in our dressing room backstage. I’ve been told we’ll be filmed the entire time, so be we can be expecting staff members with cameras in our faces all day.”

 

The three boys moaned in unison at that. Felix loved the fact that they were getting on TV, but taking the most nerve wracking day of his life and adding cameras to it definitely didn’t seem like a great mix. 

 

“I know, I know, I don’t love it either, guys. But they decided to turn this showcase into the battle to debut, and if we didn’t have the cameras we wouldn’t have that opportunity. I think we can put up with some cameras for a few hours to be able to reach the ultimate trainee finish line.” 

 

Jisung nodded solemnly in agreement as he exited the kitchen. He had been working alongside Chan in 3RACHA for some time, so he was just as ready to debut as Chan was. He passed out the other slices of toast he had grabbed, and Felix took a huge bite out of his. Jeongin looked down at it like it was the last thing he wanted. Felix lightly punched him in the arm, and Jeongin snapped his eyes up to Felix.

 

“Yah--you need to eat, Jeoginie.” 

 

Jeongin sighed and took a small bite, then gave him a smile filled with crumbs. 

 

“Whatever, hyung, you’re such a mom!” he chomped loudly on his toast as he spoke.

 

Felix fake gasped, loudly and dramatically. “How  _ dare  _ you speak to your mother that way?” he flipped his hair and twirled around, stalking off towards the door. “I’ll be waiting in the car until someone around here decides to show me some respect!”

 

Jeongin burst out laughing and chased after him. Chan and Jisung couldn’t help but chuckle along, and they followed them out with their hearts a little bit lighter.

 

_____

  
  


Felix’s heart wrenched in pain as he looked at Changbin and Jisung’s faces. Chan had pulled them aside and was talking to them, seemingly trying to give them a pep talk after their mistakes. They’d just finished their dress rehearsal, with all the girls out in the audience analyzing them just as Chan said they’d be. All Changbin and Jisung had done was drop their mics, but if you looked at their faces you would’ve thought they killed someone. Felix desperately wanted to go over and help them, but he knew Chan was doing his best as the leader. It wasn’t Felix’s place to interrupt him. They were all already nervous, and right now Changbin and Jisung had something at the front of their minds to worry about. 

 

They headed backstage and towards their dressing room. Felix pulled out his headphones and hit play on their track, skipping forward to his section. He mumbled his rap to himself, not allowing himself a moments break anymore. He felt someone’s arm suddenly fall onto his shoulders, and he looked up quickly from his phone. Changbin looked at him and squeezed his shoulder.

 

“How you doin, kid?” he said tightly. Felix could tell he was still beating himself up for his mistake. 

 

“I’m doing ok. Nervous about this part of the rap, but hey--at least I’m well hydrated, right?” As if on cue, Chan suddenly shouted out to everyone in the room to drink more water. Felix was pretty sure he’d traumatized Chan at this point. Chan would be king of making sure everyone drinks water for the rest of their lives.

 

Changbin took a swig from his bottle and nodded. “Just remember, you got the lyrics and you got the timing. Don’t get distracted by the audience and you’ll do great.”

 

Felix grinned and nodded. “Same goes for you, Changbin-hyung. You’re the most comfortable on that stage out of all of us, besides maybe Chan-hyung. Don’t let you dropping the mic one time throw you off. I know you’re going to blow the audience away.”

Changbin smiled at Felix and squeezed his shoulder again. “Thanks, kid.” He turned and sat in a chair, pulling out his phone to practice his opening rap again. 

 

Felix went back to practicing too, focusing on articulating each difficult korean syllable. This was going to be his first time ever performing in front of korean people, not australian, and he did not want to make a fool of himself by botching up any of the language.

 

The room was a flurry of everyone practicing their own separate parts, and at one point Felix saw Minho leave. He had been trying to practice over in the corner, getting continuously more and more frustrated, so Felix assumed he was on the hunt for a quiet place to practice more. As soon as Minho had passed the door frame, one of the many camera operators took off after him. I guess they really couldn’t let up. 

 

Felix was pacing around the room, trying to ignore the cameras the best he could. They followed him like a hawk, and one staff member even paced in time with him everywhere he went. It made focusing on his rap difficult, so he had to keep reminding himself that they were there for a good reason and to not let himself get frustrated by them. He could handle a little camera attention. 

 

At some point, he subconsciously zoned his awareness to nothing but the sound of his rap as the words left his tongue. By this point, he was off in the corner with his eyes tightly closed. He was down on the floor, his phone strewn off by his side but his headphones still in his ears. He practiced his part over and over and over and over until he thought he could have done it even if he was dead. Abruptly. Chan’s voice cut his concentration like a knife.

 

“Five minutes, guys! We just got the five minute warning! Time to head backstage!”

 

Felix jumped up and quickly stretched out his body. He jogged in place, trying to get blood back to his limbs quickly. He threw his phone on a chair near him--no way was he risking taking it backstage. He finally let himself stop practicing, trying to get his mind relax as much as he could. They left the room and walked quietly, camera operators mingled in sporadically amongst them. The closer they got, the tighter he tensed. He kept shaking his hands, trying desperately to loosen his muscles. His shoulders felt like they were being wound up with wires. They made it backstage, and they went to their positions in the wings that had been marked earlier. Felix was suddenly terrified.

 

Suddenly, someone grabbed Felix’s hand. Already wound up, the shock of it jolted through him and made him lurch backwards. He looked to see Changbin gripping his hand. Changbin squeezed his hand even tighter and then leaned in to whisper into Felix’s ear.

 

“You looked like you weren't even breathing. Calm down. Loosen up. You got this.” he pulled his hand from Felix’s grip and hurried off to his own spot, leaving Felix staring after him. Felix felt the warmth from his hand tingle up his arm, loosening and relaxing him. And at that moment, his cue sounded, the crowd screamed, and he ran out onto the stage without another second to think.

 

_____

 

He could feel his pulse everywhere, thumping in the tips of his fingers and pounding in his skull. JYP was talking to the girls, but adrenaline was still coursing through Felix. Performing in front of the fans had been thrilling. Hearing them scream and applaud had fueled Felix with more energy than he could have ever imagined, and he completely loved it. And now, all Felix could think about was  _ this was it.  _ They were about to find out. Today, they would either be sent packing back to trainees, or launched up to pre-debut artists.

 

And not just  _ today.  _ They were going to find out  _ now. _

 

JYP stopped talking to the girls and walked back to the center. He looked all the way down the line, very, very slowly. All the cameras adjusted their angles--some at the girls, some at the boys, one of them directly on JYP. It was time for him to announce the winner.

 

The entire room held its breath. Every trainee had gone quiet. Even the staff members halted their work, frozen and staring at JYP.

 

-   -    -

 

Felix felt his entire body go numb. His hearing sounded like his ears were stuffed with cotton, and his eyes refused to focus on any one point. He vaguely realized that he should be bowing, he should be thanking JYP, he should be screaming and smiling and laughing!

 

_ They were going to debut. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have no idea how happy it makes me to see the great response this fic is getting! I really love writing it, and I'm so happy you guys like reading it! The next chapter is gonna be start with the move in day, and I am so excited to write all the adorable fluff and cute things that could potentially happen in it you have no idea. So stay tuned for that, I'll try to get it done as soon as possible!
> 
> Kudos and comments are super helpful and really motivate me! (is that unhealthy? eh i won't read into it) :D
> 
> Come chat with me!  
> Instagram: @kspam_notkkk_kpop


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's move-in day! They are a family now, and this is one of the best days ever. They are all practically exploding with childish excitement, and none of them can really keep it in. Not even Chan! 
> 
> (massive fluff chapter!)

Felix joyously skipped around his room, piling his arms full of plushies, clothes, and everything else he could find. He smiled to the camera in the corner, no longer nervous when he saw it. Now, he was excited!

 

“Yah! Felix! Stop making faces to the camera for the 800th time and get your stuff into the new room!” Chan playfully slapped Felix’s shoulder, which nearly sent his enormous pile of stuff toppling to the floor. “Honestly, they will be here less than an hour, and look at this place.”

 

Felix just laughed and slowly made his way out the door, balancing his things precariously. He backed into the new room, opening the door with his shoulders, and then dumped everything unceremoniously onto the lower bunk. “There!” he said with pride. “Done.”

 

Chan peeked his head into the room, his eyes darting from Felix’s smile to the pure disaster on his bed. “Nice try. Clean it up.”

 

Felix whined. “Hyung, it’s off the floor! Doesn’t that technically mean the room is clean?”

 

Chan had already zoomed back out, fixing up some other area in the dorm. “No!” he shouted from a few rooms down. 

 

Felix groaned, but began snatching up clothes and shoving them onto racks in an ungraceful fashion. He was all about keeping things clean, but that didn’t mean he actually enjoyed the  _ process  _ of cleaning. He just liked the finished product. 

 

Suddenly, Jeongin came barreling into his room and ran into Felix with a huge hug. “Can you believe this, hyung?! We are going to debut! And everyone is moving in! We are gonna have all nine of us in here! I am so excited! It’s like a sleepover--but forever!” he hugged Felix around his torso, squeezing tightly and trapping his arms down. Felix laughed, struggling to break free.

 

“Yes, Jeongin, yes I’m excited! Now let go, I can’t--breathe!” 

 

Jeongin grinned a giant toothy smile and squeezed Felix even tighter. Felix gasped dramatically, wrenching his face into one of severely exaggerated pain. 

 

“Body...being...crushed!” he choked. “Vision...fading...God...is that you?” he squinted up at the ceiling, gave two final gasps, and then collapsed his weight onto Jeongin.

 

Jeongin grunted and fell to the floor, Felix crumpling on top of him with his eyes open and staring at nothing. “Felix-hyung! Get offa me!” Jeongin struggled underneath his hyung’s weight.

 

“Can’t. I’m dead.” Felix said without moving.

 

“Hyung! Get--urgh--” Jeongin wrenched both of his hands out from where they were trapped and pushed with all of his might. “--off--of--ME!” and with a final shove, Felix rolled off of Jeongin and onto the floor. Jeongin got up and scampered away, laughing, and Chan glanced back in to see what all the yelling had been about.

 

“Felix! Come on, get off the floor and finish!” he said impatiently.

 

“I really wish I could, hyung, but Jeongin killed me, so,” keeping his unblinking and unfocused eyes, he shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t.”

 

Chan rolled his eyes, sighing at the dramatics of the younger boy. “I swear to God, Felix, if you don’t finish cleaning up this room I will make you do it.”

 

Felix blinked at that. “That sounds like a challenge, Chan-hyung,” he stayed on the ground, but moved his eyes up to look at Chan. “And how is it you would make me?”

 

Chan smirked and cracked his knuckles dramatically. “Do you really want to find that out?”

 

Felix let out a loud snort of laughter, but got up from the floor nonetheless. “Alright, alright, you win this round.” he turned back to his bed and picked up a plushie. “But not this one!!” Felix whirled around and threw the stuffed pokemon directly at Chan’s head. Chan ducked at the last second, then bolted for Felix and tackled him into the pile.

 

“So that’s how we’re playing this, hmm?” Chan sat on top of Felix, and began mercilessly throwing plushies at him point blank. Felix was screaming as he desperately tried to block the blows, Chan laughing throughout it all.

 

“Uncle! Uncle!!” Felix shouted in english, not know the word in Korean. 

 

Chan paused at this, his face twisted in thought. He shrugged, smirked and said, “Sorry, I seem to have forgotten what that word means.” before he began smacking Felix over and over again with his Pikachu. 

 

“YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT THAT MEANS!” Felix screamed in the midst of the blows. “CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!”

 

Chan had to stop at this point, because he was laughing too hard to continue. He rolled off of Felix, hiccuping and clutching his stomach in his fits of giggles. “You should--see--the look on your face!” He laughed so hard tears rolled down his face as Felix lay beside him in defeat. Chan finally got up from the bed, still hiccuping, and looked around at the room. As he had thrown the plushies, they had bounced in every possible direction and ended up  _ everywhere _ .  “You know what the best part is now?” Felix rolled his head to look up at Chan with a deadpan face. “You still have to clean it all up!” 

 

Chan ran screeching for his life as Felix gave him a look that could kill.

 

________

 

The doorbell rang--once, twice, three times, four times--someone was probably at the door.

 

“Jeongin-ah!” the boys inside heard the muffled cry from behind the door. “Maknae, open the door!”

 

Chan chuckled and pulled the door open himself. “Welcome!” he shouted and opened the door widely. “Come on in!” The five boys stumbled in from the cramped hallway, all trying to get inside the room as quickly as they could.They all reacted loudly as they filed into the living room, shouting out things like, “Yah, it’s so big!” and “When can we eat?”

 

After everyone was inside, Chan closed the door and attempted to get everyone’s attention. “Alright, alright everyone! I know we’re all very excited about this, but let’s try to stay calm and get everything sorted out.” the boys all nodded, taking seats around the room and shoving their bags wherever they could fit them. “We--by we I mean the four of us already living here--spent some time this morning reorganizing the rooms a bit, so at least one of us is in each room. We thought it would be fun to play a game to figure out the new roommates!”

 

Confused murmurs rustled through the five new boys. Chan raised his hands again, quieting the room. “Basically, us four will face the wall and close our eyes. The rest of you will run around and--one at a time--pick a room. Since we are the only ones who know which of us are in each room, this way it will be completely random! Let fate decide your roommate, and then fate will bring you together and make you best friends.”

 

The members all clapped in agreement with this plan, excited to get their new roommate. Several boys shouted out that they wanted Jeongin, and Jeongin blushed bright pink and laughed awkwardly. “Who do you want, Jeongin?” one member asked. 

 

Jeongin blushed an even brighter shade of pink, if that was possible, and mumbled  that he would love to room with Seungmin.

 

The boys all roared, Seungmin blushing just as pink as Jeongin as he smiled down at his feet. Felix perked up and shouted in the midst of the noise. “Whoever ends up rooming with me gets free back massages!” he announced. At hearing this, the noise multiplied as everyone began shouting how they all wanted Felix as their roommate. Felix grinned proudly at the attention, feeling his heart threaten to burst at how happy he was to be here.

 

Chan clapped his hands together and ushered everyone up. “Come on everyone, enough talk! Let’s find out our rooms!” Chan grabbed Jeongin and Felix and pulled them over to the back of the room, Jisung stumbling along behind. They all put their arms around each other and scrunched their eyes tightly closed. “Ok, guys!” Chan shouted. “Go!”

 

Felix danced around in place, practically bursting with excitement. His mind raced as he thought about all the members, and what it would be like to room with them. He decided to ignore the fact this his heart did a somersault when he imagined rooming with Changbin. 

 

They all stood, laughing and talking as they slowly heard the sounds behind them dwindle. They heard a door open, and suddenly the sound of jogging footsteps behind them stopped. Chan peeked one eye open. “Has everyone entered?” he called out.

 

With no response, he turned around hesitantly. He smiled and nudged the others boys when he saw the room was empty. “Let’s go guys!”

 

Jisung and Jeongin sneaked over to the right, to the big room. Jisung held a finger up to his lips when Jeongin began to snicker. “Ready?” he whispered, and Jeongin nodded. 

 

Jisung slammed open the door with a loud english shout. “WELCOME!” Hyunjin and Changbin bolted back in surprise, Changbin giving out a yelp of fear. Jeongin jumped in behind Jisung, and the two new boys screamed in joy and embraced their new roommates. 

 

“Jeongin should have come in first, we would have been way happier!” Hyunjin joked as he squeezed Jeongin tightly.

 

Meanwhile, Chan excitedly ran into his room. Minho stood before him, and Chan gave a loud whoop of excitement. He looked down at the bottom bunk, and gave out another roar as he saw Woojin. They all screamed, Chan even going into a hilarious dance that made Minho buckle over in laughter. They latched their arms around each others shoulders and jumped in a circle, chanting, filled with joy and excitement.

 

Finally, Felix rushed into his new room as well. He bolted in, eyes bright and his heart threatening to explode with suspense. He suddenly stopped in his tracks, his face drooping and his eyebrows creasing in confusion. He was greeted with an empty room. Suddenly, he heard a soft sound from behind the door. “I’m here,” it whispered.

 

Felix glanced around the door, and with a great scream of excitement, pulled the laughing Seungmin into a massive hug. 

 

The dorm was filled with screaming, and Chan had a feeling they would definitely be getting some angry complaints. But none of them could help it! This was what they had all dreamed of for years. They were a family now, and they were going to debut as one. They couldn’t wait to get started, and them all living together now was the cherry on top of the sundae. Chan was overflowing with pride, and everyone could truly say that this was the feeling of joy. 

 

They had no idea that it was all about to come crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of trouble staying motivated to write this, hence why it's taken so long to get published. I realized it's because I keep getting afraid I'll get something wrong, seeing as this is a real life fic. (I'm definitely used to AUs.) So, I've decided to not make this 100% accurate and perfect. It's still a real life fic, but I just won't be rewatching every single episode of Stray Kids every time I write a chapter to make sure I get the dialogue exactly right. I hope that's ok with you all!
> 
> Also--I've decided to make the chapters a bit shorter on average. I will be able to get chapters out much faster this way and update more regularly. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and kudos and comments are always appreciated :) Love you guys! :D
> 
> ______
> 
> Come chat with me!  
> Instagram: @kspam_notkkk_kpop


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They may have just been chosen to debut, but their journey is far from over.

“We have _how long_ to write a new song?” Jisung asked with wide eyes, his mouth dropped open.

 

“Not just write it, Jisung. Learn it, choreograph it, and master it.” Chan’s face was tight, and you could see his mind was already running at a million miles an hour as he typed quickly on his tablet.

 

Jisung fell forward onto the table they were seated at with a cry of pain. “This is gonna be rough.” he groaned into his arms.

 

Chan gave an agreeing huff, but didn’t look up from his work. “Can you call the team together and tell them to meet me in the practice room? I have some tracks that I’d made for 3racha that we can pick from.”

 

Jisung hoisted himself up and headed for the door, pausing for a moment to glance back at Chan. He took a deep breath and spoke in a low, serious voice. “You really are the best leader, hyung. We can do this, with you at the helm.”

 

Chan smiled and took the moment to lift his gaze and lock it with Jisung’s. “Thank you.” he whispered kindly.

 

Jisung nodded, broke their eye contact, and went to do as Chan had asked.

 

______

  


“Now, I know this seems super stressful, but we can do it. So let’s pick a track, ok guys?”

 

The groans and murmurs of fear slowly fell quiet, allowing Chan to hit play on the first track. The boys all listened, some mentioning a few things they liked, but no one really seemed very attached to it.

 

Felix sat off to the side, furiously biting on his nails. He was having trouble focusing on translating everyone, terrified that he wouldn’t be able to learn another rap in korean with this short amount of time. As Chan began playing the next track, he lowered his hands and instead dug them into his legs in an attempt to refocus his mind.

 

The cameras were still there, sitting in front of their arc on the floor and watching them as they tried to figure out what to do. Changbin couldn’t help but feel a twinge of worry at their presence; if they had already been chosen as the debut group, why were they now being given a mission and having it filmed? He tried his best not to dwell on his concerns, turning his mind back to the music. Another track had already began, and Changbin’s ears perked up at the horror sound. Seungmin laughed uncomfortably, mentioned how scary it sounded.

 

“I love dark.” Changbin said, a goofy little smile on his face. Felix chuckled at Changbin’s English, the heavy mood finally seeming to lift from the air.

 

Changbin seemed to be the only one interested by the track, and the boys began speaking up to each say what they would love to have.

 

“Do you have anything more lyrical?” asked Jisung. Chan looked at him quizzically, prompting more. “Like--something we could get a good melody to, but still dark.”

 

Chan laughed awkwardly, unsure he could meet Jisung’s requests, when suddenly a track jumped to the front of his mind.

 

“Oh! Hang on, hang on, I think I have one!”

 

Chan began playing another track. It began slow, lighting up Jisung’s eyes. The members seemed interested in it, and Chan was excited as this was his personal favorite of the choices. The chorus dropped, and the boys all roared in excitement. The beat was amazing, and even Felix forgot about his fears as he felt chills run down his spine. He may be terrified about his Korean, but this song was one he was already excited about doing.

 

“This one! This one for sure!” someone shouted out, and clamors of agreement filled the room.

 

“I have this one called the elevator track,” said Chan. “I don’t have any lyrics for it yet or anything.”

 

“What if we add ‘Hell’ at the beginning?” Changbin suggested. “As in, like, ‘Hellevator’.”

 

The members all heartily agreed with Changbin, making him grin slightly. He, Chan, and Jisung jumped up to go work on the lyrics, while Felix, Minho and Hyunjin decided to start working on some ideas for the choreography. Hyunjin plugged in his phone to the practice room’s speakers, pulling up the track Chan had sent them all, and they all got right to work as it blasted through the room.

 

______

  


It was grueling work. Jisung couldn’t seem to come up with lyrics for the life of him, his mind seeming clouded by worry and nerves. Changbin sat across from him, scribbling line after line down almost as fast as he could rap them.

 

“Hey Jisung, listen to this and tell me if you think it works.” Changbin suddenly broke the silence. He slid his finger across his phone, cuing up the track, before launching into a spit fire verse.

 

Jisung watched in awe, and when Changbin ended he simply looked up at Jisung with a blank expression and raised a single eyebrow.

 

“Good? Yes? No? I’m not quite sure about the middle part-”

 

“Yes, hyung, yes it was good.” he interrupted with a huff of disbelief. “I just can’t seem to come up with anything!” he groaned and let his face fall into his hands. He felt Changbin lightly pat his arm.

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Jisungie. You always write amazing lyrics. Just calm down, stop thinking about it all. Just treat it like another fun 3racha song. Go upstairs and play your guitar for a while if you need to. You know that always helps.”

 

Jisung sighed, and when he looked up Changbin was leaving the room, saying something about finding Felix. Jisung gave one more loud groan to the empty room before looking back down at his blank paper and picking up his pencil.

 

______

  


Felix, alone in the large practice room, started the track for what felt like the thousandth time. He and Minho had come up with some ideas for the ending dance break, and Felix wanted to have them down perfectly before he had to start working on the lyrics. He had been practicing a lot on his Korean, but he knew he still had miles to go. He turned his mind back to the dance, counting out his beats in his head until the dance break began. He pushed himself harder and harder with every run, making his moves sharp and fast, letting himself feel the music through every limb of his body. He was drenched in sweat and knew he was starting to overwork himself, but he _had_ to get this right. As he tried to do the next move, his feet tangled and sent him tumbling to the ground. He cursed loudly in English, ignored his aching body and stormed over to his phone to restart it and try again.

 

“I don’t know much English, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a very nice word.”

 

Felix swung around at the voice, finding Changbin leaning casually against the wall by the door.

 

Changbin shook his head teasingly. “What would Chan-hyung say?”

 

“Oh shut up, I’m sure you’ve said worse.” Felix shot back.

 

Changbin shrugged, then nodded his head towards where Felix had just been dancing. “How long have you been practicing?”

 

“Dunno, not long enough apparently as I still can’t get this stupid section right.” Felix said angrily to himself.

 

“Dude, you are more sweat right now than you are human. And I don’t see a single water bottle anywhere. You are an idiot for practicing alone after what happened last time.”

 

Felix threw his hands into the air in frustration. “God, won’t anyone just leave that alone? It was one time!”

 

“Well, maybe if you actually learned your lesson, we wouldn’t have to nag you about it. Come on, you need a break and I have some lyrics for you to look at.” Without waiting for a response from Felix, he picked himself up from where he was leaning and stalked confidently out the door. Felix muttered curses under his breath, hating that he had to end his practice after he had fallen. He yanked his phone out of the plug and forced himself to follow Changbin anyways, telling himself that he would come back that night after dinner and work the dance until it was perfect.

 

As Felix left the room, he saw Changbin disappear into a room at the end of the hall. He jogged down quickly to catch up. As soon as he opened the door, a water bottle was shoved into his hand.

 

“Drink. Then sit. Here, take a look at these lyrics.” Changbin flopped into a chair on the other side of the table and shoved his lyric journal towards Felix. Felix took a swig of the water and collapsed into the chair, squinting at the messy hangul. He started working to translate it quickly, muttering the words under his breath to try and figure out how they sounded.

 

“I’m trying to look for an...um..exit….take myself out from being...from being… I’m sorry, what does this word say?” Felix blushed a bright red as he pushed the journal back towards Changbin and pointed at a word. Changbin’s eyes flicked down, and he answered without a drop of judgment in his tone.

 

“Darkness.” he looked back up at Felix and leaned back in his chair, tilting it onto its back legs.

 

Felix smiled sheepishly and thanked Changbin quickly, who simply brushed it off with a huff. He pulled the book back and quickly began reading again, hoping he wouldn’t need more help. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized Changbin knew even less English than he himself knew Korean, and he wondered how Changbin knew the answer. But he didn’t want to seem like he was taking too long to translate, so he forced himself to focus.

 

“I’m trying to look for an exit, take myself out from being trapped in the darkness, I’m fighting harder--run--run away?” his voice dropped even quieter as he questioned his translation for a moment, before shaking his head and continuing on in confidence. “Run away from this place, I’m on a hellevator, and I’m going up.” He looked up at Changbin to see the boy had leaned forward and was looking at him intently. He felt a blush rise into his cheeks and he quickly looked back down at the page. “I really like the lyrics.” he rushed out.

 

“It’s for the part near the end, building up to that dance break part you were practicing.” Changbin explained. “Here, I’ll show you.” He reached for the journal and pulled it back to himself, twirling it around and sitting up more in his chair. He messed around on his phone for a moment until the music started, and Felix could see Changbin counting off beats in his head. He began to rap the lyrics intended for Felix, keeping his voice lower and not using his own raspy style. Felix softened at the sight, noticing that Changbin already knew just how his voice was and how to pander lyrics for it. He suddenly realized that Changbin had probably translated all the Korean lyrics he had written for Felix, and even memorized the English translations, just in case Felix didn’t know a word. His cheeks blushed again, against his will, so he awkwardly put his chin in his hands in a sad attempt to hide his cheeks. Changbin looked up from the lyrics, the rap over, and smiled at Felix.

 

“Ok, now you try. Let’s just work on the pronunciation first. Rapping is all about being really harsh and clear with your words, if you muddle them it just sounds messy. Here, with me.” Changbin pointed at the first block of hangul of the first word and spoke it clearly, gesturing for Felix to mimic him. Felix scootched his chair closer to the table and got to work.

 

_____

  


Changbin and Felix both jumped in surprise at a loud knocking on the door. They were completely focused, Felix now working on mastering the speed of the words. The door opened and Jisung poked his head in.

 

“Guys, it’s getting late. Chan told me to go around and made sure everyone ate.”

 

Felix and Changbin both looked confusedly down at their phones, and both of their eyebrows shot up in synchronized surprise as they realized they’d been practicing for four hours. It was already late into the night.

 

Changbin got up from his chair and stretched. “Come on, Felix, I have some leftover bibimbap in the fridge we can heat up. Thanks, Jisungie!” Changbin called after his friend as Jisung went off to find the other members.

 

Felix stood up and popped his back, sighing as the tension released from his body. He followed Changbin towards their break room, only now realizing how hungry he was.  


Changbin pulled a huge bowl out of the fridge and shoved it in the microwave, not seeming to give to much care to the amount of time he punched in. He shuffled around, looking for chopsticks, and somehow managed to only find three.

 

“Yah, who loses a chopstick??” he said angrily, glaring at the the single utensil. Felix laughed as Changbin dramatically threw it into the sink. “Whatever, guess we have to take turns.” The microwave beeped and Changbin grabbed out their bowl carelessly, hissing as the steam hit his fingers.

 

“Aish hot hot hot!” he yelped as he practically threw it onto the table, shaking his fingers off to cool them down. He handed Felix the chopsticks and muttered that he could help himself while he went to run his fingers under some cold water.

 

Felix giggled at Changbin’s dramatic antics as he took a huge bite of the delicious food. The hot spice hit his mouth and he hummed in content, shoving another bite in before Changbin could take the chopsticks back.

 

“Shaaaare!” Changbin whined. Felix tried not to laugh at Changbin’s goofy personality while he chomped down on his massive mouthful of food. Felix didn’t see Changbin like this often--he’d realized quickly that Changbin wasn’t as dark as he first appeared, but that didn’t stop him from locking himself in his room and working for days on end.

 

They laughed and talked over dinner, passing the single pair of chopsticks between the two of them. Every time Felix handed him the utensils Changbin was reminded that some idiot had lost a singular chopstick and vowed to find them and kill them with the other one. “That’s like--like splitting up two soul mates. You just don’t do that.” he grumbled.

 

Felix’s eyes perked up at him, his head tilting to the side in interest. “You believe in soul mates?”

 

Changbin nodded with a small shrug, taking another bite of food. “Everyone is on this earth for a reason. One of those reasons is to be with someone. Everyone has a someone, even if they don’t know it yet.”

 

Felix was surprised by his hyung. He would have never expected Changbin to have such--well, cute--views on relationships. Changbin noticed him staring, so Felix tried to act as though he were waiting for the chopsticks and snatched them back. “Yeah, when you put it like that, I think I believe that too.” It wasn’t until he reached for another bite of food that he realized Changbin had finished it off.

 

Changbin snorted in laughter, pointing at Felix’s face. “You look like I just kicked a puppy, not ate the last bite!”

 

“Hey! I like food, ok??” Felix said defensively, which only deepened his pout, causing Changbin to laugh even harder.

 

“Come on, you big baby, lets go back to the dorm and get some more food.” Changbin teased. Felix tossed the bowl and chopsticks into the sink and turned to lead the way down to the lobby.

 

As he and Changbin left the room, he felt Changbin sling an arm over his shoulders. While they leaned against each other comfortably, waiting for the elevator, Felix decided the dance break could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOW I am so sorry for how long it's been since my last update!! I promise this fic isn't dead just sometimes I am XD I decided it's about dang diddly doo da that some changlix starts actually getting into my changlix fic, so I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter :) I will work hard to update sooner this time, I promise!!
> 
> (ps, i'm sure you guys are sick of me mentioning my instagram, but I teamed up with someone I met on insta to co-run a changlix spam account XD It's fun! You can come chat with me there :) : @straykidschanglix )
> 
> I love and appreciate all of you :) Your kudos and comments truly make my day. So please, make sure to have a great one yourself! ♡


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The members find out that this show is not what they expected. Now, they're not fighting to debut--they're fighting for Nine.
> 
>  
> 
> (Changlix goes to the park...an iconic moment is born ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PANIC ATTACK TRIGGER WARNING AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER**
> 
> (full notes at the end)

The dorm had never been so quiet.

 

As soon as they had gotten back, Chan had locked himself in his room without a word. The other members had quickly followed suit, disappearing behind their doors. Felix sat on the couch, head in his hands, trying to stop himself from trembling. He could hear sniffles coming from Jeongin’s room, and his heart threatened to break at the pained sounds from his dongsaeng. He desperately wanted to comfort him, but he felt so shaken up he didn’t even know where to start.

 

They thought they were prepared for their mission. They thought it was just something for the cameras, to show people what they would be like once they debuted. To practice making songs for themselves as a group, as they would be expected to do.

 

They never would have expected that they may not debut together.

 

Felix felt another shiver run down his body at the memory, and he pulled his legs up to his chest to clutch them. Minho. Hyunjin. And the youngest of them all--Jeongin. Any one of them could be eliminated after their next mission. He dug his hands into his legs, feeling the tremor begin to take his body again. He couldn’t just sit here anymore.

 

He jumped up, rushing out the door without a second thought. He had his phone in his pocket, his members could find him if they needed to. He just couldn’t handle the silence.

 

He didn’t know how to arrange a ride to the training center without Chan, but that didn't matter. It wasn’t far; he’d walked it before. As he rushed out the door, he tried to take deep, heavy breaths of the afternoon air. He could still feel the tremble in his limbs, his breathing refusing to steady out, staying shallow and shaky. He broke into a jog, desperately trying to give his body something to do other than tremble. 

 

He reached the center quickly, already somewhat out of breath but itching to just get upstairs and start dancing. 

 

He still hadn’t even changed out of his clothes from the mission, and he realized they weren’t exactly ideal for practicing, but he didn’t care enough to do anything about it. He simply threw his hat off to the side of the room as he rushed over to plug in his phone. He put his music on shuffle, including everything from some of his first dance routines to tracks that Chan had made for them. He faced away from the mirror, closed his eyes, and danced.

 

He had learned from the beginning that all moves stem from the core, and now, he used that to funnel his anxiety into his dance. He felt his limbs slowly begin to ache as he lost himself into the music. His mind fell blank with nothing but the moves that synced with the beat, the songs blurring together as he lost all sense of time. His face was soaked, and to be honest, he couldn’t tell if it was from sweat or tears. No matter how hard he danced, how much he pushed himself, his body refused to stop trembling. His breath was getting shorter, sharper, and faster; he couldn’t seem keep his breathing steady as he normally could while dancing. Abruptly--his legs refused to hold him up anymore. 

 

He collapsed to the ground, gasping for air. He suddenly felt as though he were underwater, every breath bringing him nothing but firey pain rather than oxygen. He desperately crawled his way to the wall, finally noticing the tears that were streaming down his face. He curled his body into himself, leaning his weight against the wall, grasping for anything to ground himself. The music no longer calmed him but now pounded into his brain, his trembling magnifying tenfold. His teeth chattered, leaving his head feeling as though it were buzzing uncontrollably. He dug his fingers into his arms, feeling the stinging sensation of crescent moons being carved into his skin. Then, without warning, the music stopped.

 

Felix heard the room go deathly quiet, now the only sound filling the air were his wrenching, gasping sobs. He didn’t even realize how loud he was until it was all he was able to hear. He wanted to open his eyes, to see who was there, but he felt so light-headed that he didn’t think he had the ability to do even that. Before he could even try, he felt someone’s hands gently coming to rest over his own.

 

“Felix. Felix, please, I need to you breathe slower.” 

 

Felix could hear his name, but his brain refused to translate the Korean. The words were muffled and distant; the only sound filling his ears were his rapid, heaving sobs.

 

“Felix. You are getting enough air. I promise you are. Please. Please, just listen to my voice.”

 

He felt the hands gently stroke his own, the fingers lightly tracing small circles over them, trying to loosen where they dug into his arms. The voice fell to a whisper, apparently realizing his Korean was not being understood.

 

“Felix. Felix-ah, shhh. Shhh, it’s me. It’s Changbin-hyung. Felix. Felix-ah, Felix.”

 

With every soft whisper of his name, Felix felt his breaths becoming slower. His chest still felt as tight as a drum, but he could feel the tension loosening with every stroke of Changbin’s hand. He finally forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly through his tears, looking at Changbin with his blurred eyes. 

 

“Shhh, Felix-ah. Shhhh. You’re doing good. Just breathe. Here, with me.”

 

Changbin traced his finger up and down Felix’s arm, slowly, giving him something to time his breathing with. Felix let his eyes fall closed again, focusing on nothing but the calming gentle stroke of Changbin’s hand.

 

At some point, Felix stopped crying. 

 

Changbin silently readjusted himself, moving over to the wall to sit beside Felix, draping his arms over him and pulling him close. Felix had never been this close to Changbin, his head resting against his hyung’s chest, his heartbeat now filling his ears.

 

“I--I--I’m so---sorry, hyung.” his voice still caught on his breaths, causing him to hiccup in between his words, and he suddenly felt the tremble begin in his limbs again. “I--I--don’t mean to--to--to bother--you.” 

 

“Shh, shhh, Felix. You aren’t bothering me. Just focus on your breathing.”

 

Changbin’s voice was so quiet, so caring, so  _ knowing.  _ He knew just how to behave, just what Felix needed, and something deep inside Felix told him that he was saying what he wished someone had once been there to say to him.

 

Felix did as Changbin said, closing his eyes, letting the only sound he could hear become the steady beat of Changbin’s heart.

 

______

  
  


“Felix. Felix.”

 

Felix opened his eyes, feeling confused and disoriented as he woke up. He struggled to remember where he was, and when he glanced up, he started in surprise, seeing Changbin’s face mere centimeters from his own. 

 

“Sorry to wake you, but your phone has been ringing and I think Chan-hyung  might be about ten seconds away from calling the police and reporting you as a missing child.”

 

Felix’s muscles felt stiff and awkward as he reached into his pocket for his phone. He realized he was still lying practically on top of Changbin, his face flushing with embarrassment as everything that happened came rushing back to him. He pulled his phone out and began quickly fumbling with it in an attempt to send Chan a text while simultaneously trying to untangle himself from Changbin.

 

“I’m so sorry, hyung. I--I didn’t want anyone to have to see that--I shouldn’t have been in a main practice room, I know you were probably here to work and I just wasted all that time for you-”

 

“Hey.  _ Felix _ . You are not a waste of anyone’s time, so you can stop apologizing. I’m glad I was here, you looked about five seconds away from passing out when I found you.” Changbin’s voice was kind and reassuring, keeping the mood light. “I know today was hard. I’m scared too. But I believe in us, and I know we can do this.  _ Together.”  _ Changbin gripped Felix’s shoulders lightly and squeezed them. Felix gave a massive, trembling sigh, but nodded. He looked up to see Changbin smiling warmly at him, and Felix felt the same warmth bloom suddenly inside his chest. His breath was still shaky, but now he didn’t think it was out of fear.

 

“Come on,” Changbin said softly. “I’ll walk you back.”

 

He turned towards the door, and Felix chose to stay silent as Changbin let his hand slide down Felix’s arm and interlock with his fingers. He prayed Changbin couldn’t feel his thrumming pulse, his body tingling now rather than shaking. 

 

As they stepped outside, Felix was shocked to see it was already dark out. Changbin hummed excitedly as he looked up to the night sky.

 

“If you’re lucky, sometimes you can see a star.” he murmured. “The city lights make stargazing a difficult hobby around here, but there are few things as beautiful as the unfiltered night sky.” 

 

Felix looked at Changbin’s face as they walked blindly through the night, completely focused on the sky, relying on Felix to guide him. He could feel his face warming with happiness, finally being able to forget about all the pain from the day. Even though he tried not to--he couldn’t help but think he had found someone prettier than the stars. 

 

Felix tripped over a crack in the pavement, lurching him back to reality. 

 

“Yah,” Changbin mumbled, unable to stop looking at the sky. “I’m the one stargazing here, you gotta drive.”

 

Felix giggled, but found it nearly impossible to stop staring at his hyung. He tightened his grip on his hand and moved himself closer, their bodies now walking flush with one another. “Alright hyung, alright. But next time, it’s my turn.”

 

He felt Changbin squeeze back, causing his heart to flip.

 

“Deal.”

 

______

  
  


“Ok everyone, I know we had a crazy last couple of days, but it’s time to buckle down and get to work on our next mission.” Chan, being the great leader he is, had completely set aside his own struggles and was getting the team back to work.

 

They had just finished filming the Hellevator music video, and it had been several days of nerves, excitement, and stress. They got the chance to revel in their small explosion of fame, receiving over six million views in under a week. The three members on the line for elimination were still clearly on edge, but the excitement from the filming had eased it, even if only temporarily. Now though, back in the practice room, back in front of all of the cameras, and being forced to think about another mission--the air was already feeling thick with fear.

 

Felix fiddled with his sleeves awkwardly, avoiding eye contact with the other members. He’d asked, practically begged Changbin to not tell anyone about his little incident. He already had the others checking in on him every five minutes to make sure he was drinking water, he didn’t need them knowing about his anxiety on top of that. Changbin agreed, but only if Felix promised to call him if he felt like he might have another attack. Felix hated that he felt like he was bothering Changbin, but he had to admit to himself he did want him there. So, he had reluctantly accepted the deal.

 

They went through the tracks quickly, joking and keeping the mood light in the midst of all of their nerves. They needed to split into three groups of three, one member up for elimination in each group. Felix watched uncomfortably as Changbin and Minho chose a track together, feeling small sparks of jealousy flare up in his chest as the members joked about them being a cute couple. He told himself he had no right to feel that way, but that didn’t stop him from hastily picking their group as well. He waddled over to Changbin awkwardly, sitting down as close as he could beside him. He didn’t think the members or fans would notice, he had always been touchy with everyone, it’s just how he’s always been. He pretended to be surprised as Chan pointed out they had no vocals in their group, silently hoping that Chan didn’t reassign him to a group that needed another rap member. Changbin spoke up quickly, saying that he could sing for their group, and Felix smiled happily at him.

 

He may be terrified, but he had an amazing team there to support him. And, well--he couldn’t help but be excited to work side by side with Changbin.

 

______

  
  


“This is the best thing to ever happen ever!!” Felix danced giddly around as Minho laid down the blankets they had brought. When Chan and Woojin announced that today would be a free day to just have fun, Felix, Changbin and Minho had wasted no time in heading straight for the park.

 

As Minho sprawled himself out on the blanket, (a futile attempt to keep it from flying away) Changbin threw a small pouch at him.

 

“What’s this?” questioned Minho.

 

“Just a little something I prepared.” he smirked. He pulled out one of his own, and in one swift move, opened it up and took off running. As he ran into the wind, Minho and Felix saw it take shape.

 

“AN AIR MATTRESS!” Felix screeched. He opened his own as quickly as he could and took off at a sprint after Changbin.

 

It took longer than they had expected to get them filled up, and Felix now lay in his, completely winded. “I think it took more energy to fill this thing up than it would have taken for me to lay on the freaking grass.” he grumbled.

 

“Yah! Don’t be disrespectful to your hyung!” Changbin griped, and he shoved Felix’s air mattress with enough strength to send Felix tumbling off of it. Felix let out an undignified shriek that you never would have guessed could come from someone with such a deep voice. 

 

Felix hurled himself back onto his mattress sideways, rolling over it to be closer to his hyungs with a pout on his face. “I’m hungry.” he whined.

 

“Pizza and chicken!” cried Minho. “Come on, let’s get pizza and chicken!”

 

“Okay, but who’s gonna pay though?” Changbin pointed out. “We could play a game to decide?”

 

In no time flat they had chosen a game--a pretty simple one at that. Whoever could throw their shoe from their foot the closest to the pink air mattress won, and whoever was the furthest had to pay.

 

“Watch and learn, hyungs, watch and learn.” Felix teased as he stepped confidently up to the starting line. “One…..two….two and a half...:”

 

“For the love of God, just throw the shoe.” Changbin groaned from the background.

 

Felix kicked as hard as he could, and--wait, where did the shoe go? He hopped awkwardly, and looking down, watched (to his horror) as the shoe fall gently from the edge of his toe to directly on the starting line. 

 

“What??” Felix cried, mortified as he stumbled away from the others. 

 

“Welp, that’s Felix’s turn! I’m up!” Changbin jumped in and threw his shoe quickly, satisfied as it landed practically on top of the mattress.

 

“Hey!!” shouted Felix in disbelief. They couldn’t actually make him keep that as his turn.

 

“Alright then, guess it’s me now!” Minho kicked his shoe hurriedly after Changbin, watching giddly as it landed just behind the mattress. “Ok,” he announced with a loud clapping of his hands. “Felix pays!”

 

Felix watched on with a face of innocent, betrayed confusion as his two hyungs walked back over to their spot and laughed their heads off at their good luck. Felix snatched his shoe up off the ground, shoved it on his foot, and stormed back over to his hyungs.

 

“You know, in Australia, I was treated with RESPECT.” Felix huffed dramatically as he slumped to the ground beside them. Changbin and Minho pretended to take no notice in Felix’s tantrum, handing him the menu and jumping into pointing out what they wanted. 

 

“Have you ever ordered on the phone here before?” Changbin asked Felix.

 

Felix gave one last grunt of betrayal before shaking his head.

 

“Ok, you can do it then, you should practice.”

 

Felix nervously took the the phone, excited to try but not sure if he had the skills to do it well. 

 

After already starting out awkwardly, (not realizing that his funny mic was connected to his phone, and it taking a painfully long amount of time for him to realize that he needed to speak into  _ it  _ rather than the phone itself) he then fumbled uncomfortably with his grammar. His gaze continously darted down to Changbin, looking for confirmation that he was saying everything right. Changbin gave small, encouraging nods, urging him on, until the man on the phone asked where they were. Felix blinked confusedly, having no idea how to describe where they were to the delivery man. Changbin simply ushered for the mic, Felix gratefully holding it to Changbin’s mouth and allowing him to rattle off the correct address. Finally it was over, and Felix collapsed with a relieved sigh.

 

“You did well!” complimented Changbin, holding out his hand for a high five. As their hands met, Changbin tightened down, turning the high five into a sweet grasp. He squeezed Felix’s hand comfortably before jokingly shoving him away. “Now you get to go find the bus stop I told him to bring it to!”

 

“What?” Felix cried. “Alone? I don’t have any idea where that is!”

 

“It’s called, ‘asking for directions’.” Minho stated smugly. 

 

Felix shot him a dirty glare before heaving a sigh and getting up. He knew he needed to practice this all, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it.

 

_

 

Changbin lay on his mattress, checking the time on his phone once again. Felix had definitely been gone for too long at this point. Just as he was about to stand up and go track down his dongsaeng, Minho beat him to it.

 

“Ok, that’s it, I’m gonna go make sure he didn’t die. I’m sure he couldn’t have strayed off too far.” Minho heaved himself up from the mattress and jogged off in the direction Felix had left. Changbin looked after him, a small look of concern on his face. He could tell Minho wasn’t being himself today, and it wasn’t hard to guess why. He couldn’t even imagine their group without him--Minho may have been the last one to join, but he had become close with them all extremely quickly. He still seemed trapped in his shell of fear and uncertainty, but Changbin could see he was dying to break out. He just needed that chance.

 

Minho came back only minutes later, a happy looking Felix in tow beside him. As soon as Felix saw Changbin, he raised the bag of chicken triumphantly. 

 

“I HAVE FOUND THE CHICKEN!” he roared.

 

“It only took you three and a half years to do it!” Changbin shouted back.

 

Felix was too far away to catch everything, but he knew Changbin well enough that that had been an insult.

 

“YAH!” he screamed back, causing Changbin to break into a fit of laughter.

 

“Just bring the damn chicken, you twig!”

 

They dug in quickly, starved from their long day. Someone had brought along a game, so as they greedily devoured their food, they set up a tower of truth blocks. Felix had never played, but the rules seemed simple enough. You set up a jenga tower, and if you pull a block from the tower, you have to do what the block says.

 

The game was going quickly, the questions and dares happening quickly and easily, some being rewards and some being punishments. Felix took one more giant bite of his chicken and went in for another turn.

 

He looked down at his block and tried to translate it quickly. He read it once quietly, his face contorting in shock. Had he read that right?

 

“A kiss? A kiss on the cheek? As in...like..a  _ kiss kiss?”  _ Felix swallowed his bite quickly and with wide eyes, checked his translation with the others.

 

Changbin rolled his eyes and nodded. “Yes, Felix, a kiss kiss.”

 

Felix smiled mischievously. He looked at the other two and realized he had just a few seconds to make a decision.

 

He decided to think about regret later.

 

“I chose Changbin-hyung...and….” he glanced at Minho, who gave him a simple look of silent warning. Felix ignored him and turned back to Changbin’s gaze.

 

“Me.” 

 

Changbin just about choked on his chicken. Felix burst out giggling, scarcely even being able to believe he’d done that.

 

Damn, Korea was making him confident.

 

Changbin reluctantly crawled over to Felix’s side of the blanket, his face stuck in an awkward, unreadable smile. Felix felt his skin beginning to burn and tingle with the realization of what was about to happen. He even managed to forget about all the cameras around, his mind only able to focus on Changbin. And on his own nervous screams.

 

Felix still had his dorky mic, and at the moment it’s all he could think to do anything with. He shrieked and screeched into it, hearing the hilarious echos morph and play with his voice. 

 

“Yah, would you--would you just--” Changbin tried to get a hold of Felix as he bounced around in his spot. “Yah!!” Changbin finally just grabbed Felix around the neck with both hands, forcing his head to stay still.

 

Felix’s heart was pounding. He knew Changbin’s hands could feel his pulse, and his furious blush could probably be seen from space. As soon as Changbin’s lips touched his cheek, he swore he could feel time stop. He wasn’t even aware of what he was doing--he was probably screaming--but all he could think about was how soft Changbin’s lips were against his face. He could feel Changbin trying desperately not to laugh, his lips slightly stiff in his attempt to keep them from breaking out into a massive grin. The moment his lips were gone, they both exploded away.

 

Felix’s giddy nerves sent him flying backwards onto the grass as he continued to scream with all of his might. Everyone in the park was looking at them as Felix rolled around on the grass, unable to keep from smiling his entire face off. He looked up for a moment, catching Changbin’s eyes. Changbin was smiling just as huge as he was, looking at him with a fond gaze that Felix could  _ finally  _ read.

 

_ Changbin looked happy. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I am beating a dead horse when I have to apologize for taking so long to upload every single dang time, but here I am--apologizing again. I'm about to go into finals for my college year, so I highly doubt I will have time to upload in the next two weeks. But that means good news! In just two weeks, I'm out of college for the summer, and hopefully WAY more updates will start up then!!
> 
> Also, I tried to give you guys a longer chapter this time because you deserve it :)
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me! Kudos and comments make my day :) :) Love you!!
> 
> (PS...the next chapter is Minho's elimination. Prepare for sad.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho is eliminated. The members have to deal with the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for the angst train, everyone, because this chapter is one big barrel of it. Also, I played with POV in this chapter! I wanted to be able to look at how every member reacted, not just Felix. So you'll get the chance to see some Minsung, and some personal looks at pretty much every member. (I couldn't include everyone in great detail or else it would get pretty repetetive, so I hope I don't offend anyone by not focusing on their bias) Hope you all enjoy! :)

The park had been a wonderful day, but Felix couldn’t spare a thought to the way his heart had exploded from Changbin’s kiss. The days had been passing in a flurry, the three teams all splitting off into practice rooms and refusing to leave. Felix watched as Changbin and Minho paced frantically around the room. Minho rapped his part over and over, recieving small adjustments from Changbin.

 

“Harder. You need to hit it with more strength.”

 

Minho jumped into his rap again, pushing himself. Felix could see the veins in his neck strain as he tried to put more power into his lyrics. This had been going on for hours, Felix jumping in to work sporadically too, unless he was off in the corner working on his Korean. They didn’t have long until their next mission, and they all had a long ways to go.

 

______

 

Minho could feel his mic trembling in his hand. His mind took him back to his time with BTS; a time when he stood on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans and realized his desire to inspire people the way his sunbaes did. He had never felt so alive, or so empowered, or so  _ confident _ , than the times he was dancing on those stages. And yet now, he was about to perform a simple stage of one song, in front of only one man, and he was falling to pieces.

 

As he sat down, taking their starting positions, it felt as though his heart was left stuck up in the air without his body. His chest felt numb, the dead silence of his abdomen leaving a gaping hole. 

 

The music began softly, and Felix’s beautiful singing voice wafted into his ears. He desperately tried to focus his mind as he sang his vocals portion. He’d rapped his verse a million times. A million and  _ one  _ times. He could do this.

 

And with one, stupid, idiotic, careless slip, he realized he couldn’t. 

 

If his heart hadn’t already gone dead silent, he’s sure it would have just shattered. He’d missed a lyric, and he knew without a doubt PD-nim had noticed. As he continued on, only one thought rang through his mind.

 

_ How was he going to say goodbye to the members? _

 

He completed the performance, his body moving with muscle memory and nothing else. If you asked him later about anything that had happened during that stage after his mistake, he couldn’t tell you, because he couldn’t remember.

 

All that mattered was how he was going to say goodbye.

 

The song ended, and he endured the expected harsh words from the man who held his very life in his hands. He walked robotically to the side of the stage and stood beside his teammates wordlessly. His trance was finally broken as Felix’s deep voice penetrated his thoughts.

 

“Why did you do that?”

 

Minho knew Felix meant well. He didn’t understand precisely what he was saying; he couldn’t understand the underlying meaning his question seemed to have. But that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

 

_ Why did you do that, Minho. You knew that rap. You knew that fucking rap. It’s your fault. You are leaving everyone behind today, and it’s no one’s fault but your own. _

 

He felt Changbin grab his arm, pulling his attention over to him.

 

“Are you disappointed?” he asked softly. 

 

Minho blinked dumbly. “I...I don’t know.” he responded, his voice flat.

 

He really didn’t. His head felt like it was screaming at him, but his heart was still left floating somewhere out on the stage. He was trapped in his head, the reality of what he’d done refusing to effect any of his emotions. His body was begging for a release, crying out for him to just break down and sob. He wanted to cry, to punch a wall, to punch  _ himself _ .

 

But he just….couldn’t. 

 

The next team performed in a blur. He knew Jeongin was even more nervous than he was, but to his ears it sounded as though he’d hit every note with perfection. He still heard PD-nim critique his performance, but he knew he was just being harsh. Jeongin had done well, and PD-nim wouldn’t eliminate him for simply not meeting the highest standards he held him to.

 

As the missions came to a close, the rest of the members slowly made their way back onto the stage. No one made eye contact with Minho, averting their gazes to the floor. Everyone knew what Minho knew.

 

JYP stalled for time. Cameras ran around to the front of the boys, several of them aiming directly at Minho’s face from different angles. The room was silent, the only sound reverberating through the room were the heavy breaths of his teammates. When PD-nim confirmed there would be an elimination, no one reacted. Because everyone already knew. 

 

The next thing Minho knew, people were hugging him. His entire body felt numb. He was faintly aware that he was smiling, but that everyone around him was crying. Felix was sobbing. Why was Felix sobbing? Felix was always happy. He was always happy, he shouldn’t be crying. Not for him. Not for Minho.

 

Seungmin appeared in his vision, his face soaked in tears. He could barely even stand, and all Minho wanted to do was to go to him and hold him. To be the hyung to keep him from falling. Instead, he was the hyung sending him to the ground.

 

Chan blocked his sight, walking up with a waver in his step.

 

“Aigoo aigoo aigoo, why did you mess up the lyric?” he joked lightly, his voice betraying him, tears clinging to his eyes and threatening to spill.

 

Minho blinked slowly, his brain slowly processing the words. “I...I’m sorry.” he heard his voice say as he stepped stiffly into Chan’s arms.

 

Chan scoffed, his throat clenching. “Why are you sorry.  _ I’m  _ the one who's sorry.”

 

Minho didn’t understand. Chan didn’t do anything. Chan was always there for him, never failing to be supportive. He hadn’t even been on his team for this mission and he’d still been Minho’s rock. Minho wanted Chan to take it back. This was Minho’s fault. No one’s but Minho’s. 

 

Chan gripped Minho in a fierce hug, his arms slowly tightening more and more. Minho could feel his chest shudder as Chan held in a sob. He could feel Chan’s neck tense and spasm.

 

“Please don’t cry.” Minho finally found his voice as he pulled away. He turned slowly, looking at everyone, stopping to shove a tissue into Felix’s face. “Not for me. Don’t cry, please.” Minho still wore a smile, his cheeks seeming to be frozen in place. 

 

______

 

Minho didn’t know where he was going, exactly. He held his bundles tight to his chest, a crumpled piece of paper clutched in his fist. Scribbled on it was the number of a room downstairs, and nothing more. He hoped the residents of the dorm had been told that he was coming, because it was quite late into the night at this point and he wasn’t keen on a first impression of them thinking that he was sneaking into their dorm.

 

The elevator doors opened. Minho stared at the open space in front of him, finding himself suddenly rooted to the ground. He was still on the doormat of the dorm. He could still hear the shuffle of footsteps from behind the door. He was still a Stray Kid.

 

Until he stepped on that elevator, and it all became real.

 

He turned around slowly as he took his place in the elevator, pressing the number button gently. His eyes locked themselves on the door. On his door. On  _ their  _ door. The door to Stray Kids.

 

The number 600 blurred in his vision. As the elevator doors slid shut, an overwhelming pain of finality washed over Minho’s entire body. He slid to the floor, his bundles tumbling from his hands. His fingers clawed into the floor, no one around to hear him as he sobbed.

 

______

 

When Minho stepped out of the dorm, letting the door close behind him without so much as a glance back, Jisung’s call died in his throat. His hand that had reached out after his hyung fell to his side, and he stared at the door, his chest ripping with pain. His vision blurred and tunneled, seeing nothing but the back of their front door. He vaguely registered that someone’s hand came to rest on his shoulder, but he couldn’t hear anything if they were trying to talk to him. Minho had left so casually, Jisung could have believed he was simply going to pick up dinner for the rest of the members.

 

But with the sound of the elevator leaving their floor, reality trembled through Jisung violently. Minho wasn’t a member anymore. He wasn’t coming back.

 

Ever.

 

______

 

Chan sat at the table, typing aimlessly on his laptop. He kept switching back and forth between tasks, never really getting any meaningful work done. The dorm was dead silent, and Chan couldn’t tell if that was from sorrow or sleep. His body felt as though he’d just run a marathon, and his mind felt as if he was running on zero rest. Which, granted, he practically was. Switching tabs again, he put in a single headphone and hit play on another incomplete track.

 

“Chan?”

 

Chan whipped his head up at the whimper. Woojin stood in the living room, looking into the kitchen, his face a mess from tears.

 

Chan had his headphone out of his ear and was beside his hyung in an instant. “It’s ok, Woojin-hyung. It’s ok.” He laid a hand on Woojin’s shoulder, gently squeezing it. “I know it’s hard. Just try and get some sleep, ok?” 

 

Woojin sunk in on himself, his eyes averting to the ground. He took a breath but seemed to hesitate, his eyes flitting from the ground to their room.

 

“It--it’s so quiet,” he whispered, barely loud enough for Chan to hear him. 

 

Chan’s heart nearly broke at the sight. Minho always went to bed at the same time as Woojin, with Chan not joining them until well into the night. Now, Woojin had been forced to go to bed alone. Chan pulled Woojin into his arms, his elder melting into his touch. “Come on, hyung. Let’s get some sleep.” Without removing his arms, he steered them back towards their shared room. Chan tried not to look at the empty, well made bed that had been abandoned earlier that night. He pretended not to notice the missing collection of bundles.

 

He closed the door behind them quietly, forgetting about his open laptop and unfinished work. He lay down on his bed, pulling Woojin down with him. As Woojin curled up against him, Chan suddenly realized they’d never cuddled at night together before. During the day, they’d cuddle constantly, what with Chan basically being a human Koala and Woojin not being able to go five minutes without a hug. At night, though, Chan always stayed up working, the others being fast asleep by the time he entered their room.

 

“Minho and I cuddled all the time, you know.” Woojin sniffled, breaking the silence. “I hate going to sleep alone, and he figured that out on only the second night of us rooming together. The first night he climbed into my bed, he joked it was only because my tossing and turning kept him up all night. But I think he liked it.”

 

Chan felt warm tears staining his shirt, and his heart ached. He knew the entire group was suffering, and it killed him that he couldn’t help.

 

“Do you think he’s sleeping alone tonight, Channie?” Woojin’s voice broke, a soft sob cutting him off.

 

Chan gripped his hyung tighter, squeezing his eyes shut to block tears of his own.

 

“I’m sure he’s ok, Woojin-hyung. He’s strong.”

 

They fell asleep in their tears, Chan’s arms never leaving him.

 

______

 

Minho sat in a practice room, curled into a ball against the wall. He had barely been able to pick himself up off the floor elevator, and as his breath quickened with every cry, he knew he couldn’t go to his new dorm. He couldn’t bear it. Lost in his head and alone in his heart, he had wandered his way to the company. He only just caught himself from heading directly to their floor. He let the elevator doors shut once again, making his way back down to the trainee’s floor.

 

It was sometime in the early morning at this point, his face raw from the tears. His body trembled from the explosion of his emotions. He let himself slide to the floor, his bundle providing itself as a pillow. His face was now devoid of tension, his body lifeless on the floor, but even his unblinking eyes continued to slowly cry.

 

He let himself fall asleep like that, giving up on the idea of dry cheeks.

 

______

 

Jeongin had always thought it would be cool to see a zombie apocalypse. The world a shadow of what it once was, overrun with violence, the laws of the land being a thing of the past. But now, as Jeongin looked around his dorm, he found himself realizing this was never something he really wanted.

 

The group was left broken and battered after Minho left. Half of the members couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed, and the other half began to work so hard Jeongin was sure they were going to collapse. Jeongin sat on the couch, his legs pulled up into his hoodie. He’d pulled his hood up as well, hiding deep within the confines of the warm fabric. He let his chin rest on his knees, his breathing timed out like the steady tick of a metronome. His eyesight was blurry and unfocused on the door, and something deep inside him foolishly wished for it to open. For Minho to come strolling back in, to take one look at Jeongin and laugh, telling him he looked like a oversized dust bunny all wrapped up in his hoodie like that. And Jeongin would whine, tattle to Chan, and his heart would warm with the steady fact that everything was gonna be just fine.

 

The door opened in the middle of Jeongin’s thought, and his heart lurched stupidly into his throat. He forced it back down quickly as Hyunjin stumbled into the dorm, coated in sweat. 

 

“Jeonginnie?” 

 

Jeongin blinked, clearing his eyes up as he forced them to focus on his hyung.

 

“Have you...been there all day?” Hyunjin asked tentatively. 

 

Jeongin’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean, Hyung?” he flinched at his own voice, noticing how sore and hoarse he sounded.

 

“I left the dorm this morning. Almost ten hours ago, Innie. You were right there when I left.”

 

“Oh.” Jeongin said simply. 

 

Hyunjin sighed. “Come here, Jeonginnie. Let’s get you some food.”

 

Jeongin ate what was placed in front of him, tasting none of it. He drank the water held to his lips, and he took the hand that lifted his own lightly. He found himself being placed in a bed, a warm body wrapping around his only seconds after. Tears slid from his eyes and wet the pillow, but he couldn’t seem to understand why he was crying.

 

“Please just try to sleep, Innie. We all miss him, but we can do this. We have to keep going. For Minho. He wouldn’t want us to give up, now would he?” Hyunjin whispered into his ear.

 

_ Minho. _

 

Jeongin closed his eyes, extinguishing the tears as quickly as they’d managed to start. He focused his mind on the steady, comforting beat of Hyunjin’s heart against his back, and he willed himself into a dreamless sleep.

 

______

 

Felix lurched out of the bed. He cursed at himself in his head, furious for how long he’d been sleeping. He ripped his phone from the charger, kicking the beam on his bunk bed. His breaths were thick and heavy, his brows permanently stuck in an angered glare. He practically sprinted out of the dorm, not even bothering a glance around as he bolted from the building. JYP wasn’t playing around. Minho was gone. He could mourn and cry and whine about it as much as he wanted, but the fact of the matter is that he could be next.

 

Felix had moved from Australia for this. He’d given up  _ everything _ . His mom had made sure to remind him constantly before he moved that he was making the wrong choice; that he wouldn’t be able to make it as a real idol. Even now, in the brief moments he could speak with her, that was all they ever discussed. ‘You still have time to attend a nice college’, she would say. ‘You don’t have to keep chasing this ridiculous fantasy.’ 

 

Felix  _ had  _ to succeed. He had so much more to prove than the others. To his friends, to his family, to himself. To be eliminated, to have to tell his mother that he’d failed, just as she told him over and over and over again that he would? For her to finally have the proof that he was no better than everything she’d ever thought? It wasn’t an option. He  _ would  _ make her proud.

 

With this thought playing through his mind continuously, as if it were the steady beat of a drum, he threw himself into his practice. 

 

______

 

At first glance, Changbin would appear unaffected by the turmoil the rest of group was dealing with. Yes, he was in the studio until the cold, early hours of the morning, but this practice was not unusual for him. In fact, nothing about his daily schedule seemed to change. He carried on with his same dedication to the music, and his usual quiet, brooding personality. While the other members reeled from the blow, Changbin simply carried on.

 

Changbin was like the Grinch. On the outside, he seemed cold, distant, impersonal. But, if a heart x-ray device was real, you would get the chance to see how he honestly reacts to those around him. If you could have x-rayed his heart on the day Felix arrived, you would have seen it grow a size. Or on the day when he and Felix worked together for hours, lost in their love for art, you would have seen it grow two more.

 

Or if you could have seen it on the night Minho was eliminated, you would have seen it drastically shrink. 

 

His chest felt emptier than usual, as though it had adjusted to the larger size and was now left uncomfortably open. It settled over his body as a sort of numbness. He couldn’t find the joy that usually filled him as he worked. His body and mind continued to write, and produce, and dance, and rap, but his heart didn’t touch the music. His smiles that the members had come to grow accustomed to faded, no longer reaching his eyes. His walls came back up, pushing those away he had finally let in. His heart couldn’t grow anymore. It was as if someone had frozen it at its current size, forcing him to walk through life with a cold indifference. He knew others were thinking of him as rude, and he probably looked like he hadn’t cared about Minho, but he couldn’t break free of the numbness to explain himself. Felix didn’t go to him for hugs anymore, and Changbin couldn’t blame him. Who would want to hug someone who couldn’t hug you back?

 

______

 

The members all had the silent but hopeful thought that things would get easier with time. That they could push through, and as much as it hurt them, they could move on.

 

But October 25th arrived, and the eight boys were sent right back to square one.

 

It was Minho’s birthday, and to make matters worse, they had even already planned ways to celebrate. They’d looked ahead and seen that it had landed right in between the filming of two episodes, giving them an ever so slightly less busy schedule. It was going to be perfect, giving them just enough time to get out of the dorms and enjoy the last bit of fall before the cold of winter began to settle in. Now, it simply gave them more time to think about the fact that Minho was gone.

 

Jisung got back from their shortened practice at the company and climbed quietly out of the car. He murmured something to Chan, who simply nodded with a sad knowing look in his eyes. Jisung turned away from the other members, making his way to the nearby bus stop while the others filed into the dorm. He burrowed his neck deeper into his light jacket, the October breeze nipping at his ears. He rode the bus silently, his eyes zoning out as the city moved by in slow motion. As the vast dull green lawns came into view, he pulled the string to stop the bus. Going to Han River had already been the plan for Minho’s birthday, and Jisung didn’t feel right about not honoring it. Minho wasn’t dead, he shouldn’t be forgotten. He still deserved to be thought about on his birthday; he still deserved to be celebrated.

 

He breathed in the air deeply through his nose, meandering aimlessly through the park. On a random Wednesday right at the end of October, the park was practically empty. Jisung both appreciated the calm, while also despising the silence. He let his mind wander just as his body did, thinking of all the funny and sweet moments he had shared with Minho. A smile appeared on his face. He let himself chuckle softly to himself, willingly letting himself forget his sadness.

 

“Jisung?”

 

Jisung whirled around at the sound of his name, effectively yanking him out of his thoughts entirely. 

 

Minho stood a few feet away from him, a look of disbelief on his face.

 

“Hy-hyung,” Jisung stammered, caught off guard. His throat hitched at the sight of his friend. He’d missed him so much more than he’d already thought he did. He locked eyes with Minho, his gaze a mixture of uncertainty, desperation, and sadness. “Happy birthday,” he whispered, voice too broken to speak any louder.

 

Before Jisung could react, Minho had closed the gap between them and had him in his arms. His fists clenched around Jisung’s jacket as if the breeze was going to blow Jisung away, never for Minho to see again. Jisung froze, briefly, before throwing his arms around Minho in return. 

 

“I’ve missed you, Jisung-ah.  _ So  _ much.” Minho mumbled the words into Jisung’s neck, his hot breath contrasting against the bitter wind. Jisung tightened his grip, shivering from the intensity of it. Minho had left so casually, for Jisung to see Minho react this way was breaking his heart. How much had he hurt, but hadn’t shown? How broken was he to be to letting his walls fall now? He hugged Minho back fiercely, his unspoken thoughts bubbling out of him.

 

“I’ve missed you too, Minho-hyung. Nothing’s felt right without you. We aren’t Stray Kids without you. The episode hasn’t even aired yet. We have to keep pretending that everything’s fine, that you’re still with us, the fans don’t even know yet and I don’t want to tell them. I don’t want anyone to tell them, I don’t want them to see it, I don’t want for it to be real.” Jisung rambled loudly, his voice hitching as he began to hiccup, his eyes still dry. Minho pulled away, frowning at Jisung. He kept their bodies close, taking Jisung’s cold face in his warm hands.

 

“No.”

 

Jisung blinked in confusion. “What? What do you mean-what do you mean ‘no’, no what-”

 

“I mean  _ no,  _ Jisung.” Minho cut Jisung’s panicked ramble off before it could derail. “I’ve been eliminated. It sucks. It sucks a  _ lot.  _ But it’s what happened. And PD-nim wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t think it was the best for the group. The best for  _ you.  _ As much as I wish I could have fit into the final puzzle of Stray Kids, I was an extra piece. I didn’t fit. I didn’t match up. There is no ‘making it real’, because it’s already real. It already happened. Do you understand what i’m saying, Jisung?”

 

Jisung swallowed around the lump in his throat, refusing to respond. Minho’s sullen face morphed into a sad, loving smile. He looked deeply into Jisung’s eyes, his thumbs gently rubbing against Jisung’s plush cheeks.

 

“You are so amazing, Jisung.” he whispered, his voice filled with awe. “When I hear you rap, I can feel your passion. In my  _ heart _ , Jisung. When you sing, I feel like angels themselves are stopping to listen. When you play your guitar, I could give up dancing forever just to sit and watch. You are going to debut. And people are going to scream your name, and I will be right beside them. I will always stay. I’m not a Stray Kid anymore, Jisungie. But I will never, ever stop loving you.”

 

Jisung choked out a dry sob, his heart thudding in his body. He yanked Minho back into his arms and buried his face into Minho’s chest. Minho rubbed soft, gentle circles onto Jisung’s back, humming a soft tune. Jisung’s mind was a flurry of emotions, his heart beating erratically, but he forced all of that to the background. Right now, Minho was here. Minho was  _ here.  _

 

And Jisung never planned on letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah haaaaa, guess who isn't dead after all...
> 
> I guess my apology is getting pretty repetetive now, so I'm not gonna go into all of it again. But thank you. Thank you guys for sticking with me. I read every comment that was posted, even during my massive dry spell. They mean so much to me. And to the few of you that reached out on my social medias, thank you :) The comments, the messages, the overall support honestly keeps me going when I have no motivation to write. It means more to me than you guys probably understand, and I truly treasure each and every one of you. I hope you enjoyed this chapter (or as much as you could with how depressingly sad I tried to make it) and I hope I get another chapter posted soon. You guys deserve it. ♡ :)

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a long fic, starting here and going all the way through the Stray Kids show and past it. We will be getting into some more angst the longer the fic goes on, but sooo much fluff too. Changlix is literally so real, so I'll be pulling from real moments and then expanding on them. I will try to make this fic as accurate to real life as possible! Kudos and (especially) comments help me improve, so they are always appreciated :)
> 
> Come chat with me!  
> Instagram: @kspam_notkkk_kpop


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